Self-esteem is not confidence, and discovering this truth was the pivotal moment I finally began to breathe through the suffocating weight of my chronic anxiety. For the longest time, I believed that if I couldn't perform—if I couldn't walk into a room with my head held high or complete my daily tasks with ease—then I was fundamentally broken and worthless. I was measuring my internal value by my external output, a dangerous mistake that many of us in the mental health community make without even realizing it. Confidence is often defined as the belief in one’s ability to succeed in specific situations, but self-esteem is the deep-rooted conviction that we are worthy of love and respect regardless of our failures or successes.
When we are navigating the dark corridors of depression, our confidence is usually the first thing to vanish. We lose trust in our brains and our bodies, feeling like we are failing at the basic "job" of being a person. However, I’ve learned that my self-esteem is not confidence because my worth is not a performance. It is a birthright. By separating these two concepts, we create a sanctuary for ourselves where we can be "incapable" on a bad mental health day while still being "valuable." This blog explores how to stop the exhausting cycle of performance-based worth and start the gentle process of mind-body integration and true self-acceptance.
This is the work we explore at Not Just Me – The Soojz Project—where anxiety, depression, and self-esteem are understood as shared human experiences, not personal failures. Through mind–body awareness and nervous system regulation, we learn that healing doesn’t require perfection.
It requires presence.
And it begins with one small action at a time.
Read Low Self-Esteem Often Starts With How You Talk to Yourself
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| Confidence is the boat; self-esteem is the anchor. |
The Dangerous Myth That Self-Esteem Is Not Confidence
Many people mistakenly use these terms interchangeably, but doing so creates a psychological trap that punishes you for having a human nervous system. Confidence is a skill; it is something you build through repetition and competence. For example, I might feel confident in my ability to write a blog post because I have done it many times. However, if I were asked to perform open-heart surgery, my confidence would rightly drop to zero. If my self-esteem were tied to that confidence, I would suddenly feel like a worthless human being just because I am not a surgeon. This is why we must internalize that self-esteem is not confidence.
In my experience with The Soojz Project, I’ve seen how this myth isolates us. When we have a panic attack or a depressive episode, our competence (confidence) fails. If we don’t have a separate foundation of self-esteem, we fall into a shame spiral. We tell ourselves that because we can’t "do," we aren't "enough." Breaking this myth requires us to acknowledge that strength grows when worth isn’t tied to success. We must learn to view confidence as a tool in our belt and self-esteem as the ground we stand on. When the tool breaks, the ground remains.
Recovering Me: Healing After Narcissistic Abuse
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Not Just Me : Finding Myself Beyond Anxiety and Depression
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How Nervous System Regulation Proves Self-Esteem Is Not Confidence
When our nervous system is dysregulated, we often enter a "freeze" state. In this state, the body is trying to protect us from perceived danger, making it nearly impossible to feel bold or capable. This is a physiological reality, yet we often blame ourselves for this lack of "bravery." Understanding that self-esteem is not confidence allows us to hold space for our physiological struggles without judging our character. I can be in a state of high-alert anxiety, feeling zero confidence in my ability to socialize, while still knowing that I am a person who deserves compassion.
Practicing mind-body wellness methods means learning to listen to the body’s signals without attaching a "worth" label to them. If my heart is racing, it doesn't mean I am weak; it means my nervous system is responding to a trigger. By decoupling our self-worth from these bodily responses, we achieve a level of integration that fosters resilience. We stop trying to "force" confidence through sheer willpower and start nurturing the self-esteem that tells us we are safe to be exactly where we are, even if where we are is "struggling."
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Why Your Value Remains When Confidence Is Low
I remember a time when I couldn't even go to the grocery store because the sensory overload was too much for my anxiety to handle. My confidence was non-existent. I felt like a failure compared to everyone else who seemed to be navigating life so effortlessly. But it was in that very struggle that I had to face the ultimate question: If I can’t do these basic things, am I still worth something? The answer had to be a resounding "yes." This is the core of why self-esteem is not confidence.
Respect is not something you earn through your resume; it is something you deserve as a living, breathing soul. When we stop demanding that we "earn" our right to exist through high-performance, we find a strange kind of peace. We realize that the pressure we feel to be constantly confident is often a projection of a society that values "doing" over "being." At The Soojz Project, we believe in moving toward a model of wellness where you can lack confidence in your current state and still be treated with the utmost dignity by yourself and others.
The Psychological Freedom of Performance-Free Worth
When you truly accept that self-esteem is not confidence, you gain a superpower: the freedom to fail. If your worth is tied to being "the best" or "the most capable," then every mistake is a threat to your identity. This creates a state of chronic stress that further dysregulates your nervous system. However, if you know that your self-esteem is a constant, failure becomes a neutral event. It becomes data, not a disaster. You can try something new, fail miserably, and your core self remains unshaken.
This psychological freedom is essential for healing from depression. Depression often makes us feel like we are at the bottom of a deep well. If we think we have to climb out and be "confident" before we are worthy of love, we will stay at the bottom. But if we realize our worth is right there with us in the well, we can take the small, shaky steps toward the light at our own pace. You don't need to be "fixed" to be valuable. You are already whole, even if you are currently feeling the fractures of your experience.
Read Why Self-Esteem Grows When You Keep Small Promises
Building Resilient Self-Esteem Through Mind-Body Integration
So, how do we actually build this sense of worth? It starts with the realization that self-esteem is not confidence and continues through small, daily acts of self-allegiance. It means choosing to speak to yourself with the same empathy you would offer a friend. When your anxiety tells you that you are "useless," your self-esteem must be the voice that whispers, "You are tired, and you are hurting, but you are not useless." This is the practice of integration—bringing the mind's narrative into alignment with the body's need for safety.
We can use somatic tools to reinforce this. When you feel that wave of "not enoughness," try placing a hand on your heart and simply acknowledging your presence. This isn't about building "confidence" to conquer the world; it’s about building "esteem" to inhabit your own life. It is about realizing that your struggle is not a sign of weakness, but a shared human experience that connects you to others. You are not alone in this, and you are certainly not defined by the limitations of your nervous system on any given day.
Conclusion
The journey to understanding that self-esteem is not confidence is one of the most transformative paths you can take for your mental health. It allows you to stop being your own harshest critic and start being your own most loyal advocate. Confidence will come and go—it is as fickle as the weather. But self-esteem can be the sun that stays behind the clouds, always there, always providing a source of light even when you can’t see it. You are worthy of respect, care, and love at 100% capacity and at 0% capacity.
As we move forward together at The Soojz Project, let’s commit to protecting our inner worth from the fluctuations of our outward abilities. Let's embrace the messy, non-linear reality of healing with the knowledge that our value is a steady pulse, not a flickering candle. Your struggle is not just yours alone, and your worth is not something that can be taken away by a bad day, a bad month, or even a bad year. You are enough because you exist. Period.
3 Key Takeaways
Confidence is Skill-Based: It changes depending on the task and your current state of competence.
Self-Esteem is Being-Based: It is your unshakeable belief in your inherent human value, regardless of performance.
Healing Requires Separation: Decoupling worth from success is the only way to safely navigate the "lows" of anxiety and depression.
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