For the longest time, I felt like a guest in my own life, constantly apologizing for the floor space I occupied, but I’ve learned that low self-esteem often makes you over-explain every single move you make. If I was five minutes late, I provided a detailed itinerary of the traffic; if I declined an invitation, I drafted a three-paragraph justification for my fatigue. It was as if I believed that my needs were only valid if they were backed by a mountain of evidence. At The Soojz Project, we understand that this urge to justify isn't just a personality quirk; it is a survival mechanism born from a nervous system that feels perpetually unsafe. When we exist in a state of high anxiety or depression, we often feel the need to "earn" our right to be here by being as convenient and transparent as possible for everyone else.
Breaking this cycle requires more than just "confidence"—it requires a fundamental rewiring of how we perceive our value. Through my own journey with mind-body wellness, I realized that my over-explaining was an attempt to manage other people's perceptions so they wouldn't be upset with me. But in trying to prevent their discomfort, I was abandoning myself. This blog explores how to stop the "apology loop" and start inhabiting your life with the quiet authority you deserve. You are allowed to have needs, you are allowed to say no, and you are allowed to exist without providing a footnote for every action.
This is the work we explore at Not Just Me – The Soojz Project—where anxiety, depression, and self-esteem are understood as shared human experiences, not personal failures. Through mind–body awareness and nervous system regulation, we learn that healing doesn’t require perfection.
It requires presence.
And it begins with one small action at a time.
Read Low Self-Esteem Often Starts With How You Talk to Yourself
The Psychology of the "Over-Explanation" Trap
When we talk about how low self-esteem often makes you over-explain, we are really talking about a lack of internal safety. When I was at my lowest, a simple "no" felt like a declaration of war. I assumed that if I didn't provide a "good enough" reason for my boundaries, people would assume I was being cruel or selfish. This is a common symptom for those of us navigating the shared psychological stories of anxiety. We use words as a shield, hoping that if we talk enough, we can preemptively defend ourselves against judgment.
Furthermore, this behavior is often rooted in childhood patterns where our needs were ignored or mocked unless they were extreme. As adults, we carry that "burden of proof" into our relationships. We feel we must justify our rest, justify our hunger, and even justify our joy. However, the more we justify, the more we signal to our own brains that our basic needs are up for debate. To break this, we must recognize that a boundary doesn't need a back story to be valid.
Identifying the "Sorry" Reflex
I spent years starting every sentence with "I'm sorry, but..." even when I hadn't done anything wrong. "I'm sorry, could I have the salt?" "I'm sorry, I think you're in my seat." This reflex is a way of shrinking ourselves. By noticing how often we apologize for simply existing, we can begin to catch the impulse before it leaves our lips.
How Low Self-Esteem Often Makes You Over-Explain Your Boundaries
One of the hardest lessons I learned is that "No" is a complete sentence. Because low self-esteem often makes you over-explain, we tend to treat our boundaries like negotiations. When someone asks for a favor we can't fulfill, we offer a laundry list of excuses. This actually gives the other person "hooks" to try and solve our problems for us, often leading to us saying "yes" out of sheer exhaustion.
For example, if I said, "I can't come because I have to do laundry and I'm tired," a pushy friend might say, "Do your laundry tomorrow! I'll buy you a coffee to wake you up!" Suddenly, my boundary is gone. If I had simply said, "I can't make it tonight, but thanks for thinking of me," there is nothing to argue with. Clear, calm communication builds self-respect because it honors your truth without inviting a debate.
The Connection to Nervous System Regulation
When we feel the frantic need to justify ourselves, our nervous system is usually in a "fawn" or "fight/flight" state. Using mind-body wellness techniques, like deep belly breathing or grounding exercises, can help us stay in our bodies during these moments. When your nervous system is regulated, the urge to over-explain dissipates because you feel safe enough to be misunderstood.
Taking Up Space Without the Weight of Guilt
We are often taught that being "good" means being small, but the truth is that you’re allowed to take up space without guilt. This was a radical concept for me. I used to walk on eggshells, trying to leave no footprint, but that only led to a deep sense of isolation and depression. The Soojz Project focuses on the fact that your struggle is not yours alone; many of us are unlearning the habit of apologizing for our presence.
Taking up space means sitting in a chair comfortably rather than perched on the edge. It means speaking at a normal volume rather than whispering. It means stating your opinion without adding "if that makes sense?" at the end. When you stop shrinking, you give others permission to do the same. This is how we achieve integration—by bringing our full, unedited selves into the room.
The Physicality of Self-Respect
Body language plays a huge role in how we feel. When I started practicing "power posing" or simply keeping my shoulders back, my brain began to receive signals that I was safe. You cannot over-explain your way into self-respect; you have to embody it. By physically occupying your space, the mental habit of over-justification begins to lose its grip.
Mind-Body Wellness: Tools for Integration
Since low self-esteem often makes you over-explain, we need practical tools to bridge the gap between knowing we should stop and actually stopping. Integration is about aligning our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. When I feel the "over-explanation" itch starting in my throat, I now have a toolkit to handle it.
The Three-Second Pause: Before responding to a request, I count to three. This interrupts the "fawn" response.
Somatic Tracking: I check where I feel tension. Usually, it's in my chest. I breathe into that space until it softens.
The "Minimalist" Script: I practice phrases like "That doesn't work for me," or "I'm not available," without adding a "because."
These methods are part of a holistic approach to mental health. We aren't just brains in jars; our psychological stories are written in our muscles and our breath. By regulating the nervous system, we create the internal quiet necessary to speak with conviction rather than desperation.
Recovering Me: Healing After Narcissistic Abuse
https://recoveringmeproject.blogspot.com/
Not Just Me : Finding Myself Beyond Anxiety and Depression
https://notjustmeproject.blogspot.com/
Why You Don’t Owe Constant Explanations
It is a common misconception that transparency equals intimacy. In reality, constant justification is a form of emotional labor that drains you. You don’t owe constant explanations for existing, for changing your mind, or for needing a break. When you realize that low self-esteem often makes you over-explain, you can start to see your words as a limited resource.
Think of your energy like a bank account. Every time you craft a long-winded text to justify a simple choice, you are spending your "sovereignty currency." Save that energy for people who have earned your vulnerability. Most everyday interactions require very little explanation. By withholding the "why," you retain your power and build a stronger sense of self.
Respecting Others by Being Direct
Surprisingly, being direct is actually a form of respect for the other person as well. It shows that you trust them to handle your "no" without needing to be coddled. It simplifies communication and removes the "hidden layers" that often lead to misunderstandings in relationships.
👉 Visit daily affirmations on Soojz | The Mind Studio
Conclusion: Empathy for the Struggling Self
Ultimately, moving away from the need to justify is an act of deep self-love. We must remember that low self-esteem often makes you over-explain as a way to stay safe. Be gentle with yourself as you unlearn this. There will be days when you slip back into old habits, and that’s okay. The goal isn't perfection; it’s awareness.
At The Soojz Project, we believe that by exploring these shared psychological stories, we find the strength to change them. You are not alone in your anxiety, and you are not "broken" for wanting to explain yourself. You are simply a person who is learning that their voice has value exactly as it is. Start today by taking one small breath, standing a little taller, and remembering that your "because" is nobody's business but your own. For more insights on integration and nervous system regulation, join us at
3 Key Takeaways
Explanations are Optional: Your needs and boundaries are valid on their own merit; you do not need to provide "evidence" to justify your feelings.
Silence is a Tool: Practicing the pause before speaking helps regulate the nervous system and prevents the "fawn" response of over-explaining.
Embodiment Over Logic: Building self-esteem happens in the body first—taking up physical space helps convince your brain that you are safe and worthy.
0 Comments